Friday, September 9, 2016

Buying Tires

I bought some tires today. It used to be easy—go to Sears and they'd slap on some $50 Firestones. Today, buying tires is more complicated than buying toothpaste. There's a ghastly array of categories; brands; traction ratings; tread wear; noise ratings; mounting fees; balance fees; environmental fees; disposal fees; alignment fees; valve stem fees—and, finally, road hazard insurance to cover all of your fees. One tire salesmen told me if I wanted tires that wouldn't result in a horrible accident, I should take out a second mortgage.

In case you were wondering, I settled on the General Altimax RT43's, with Twin Cushion Silica Tread Compound, continuous center ribs, independent tread blocks with sound wave suppression technology, circumferential grooves, and Low Surface Abrasion Technology with spirally-wrapped polyamides. How do I like them? They're black, and smell like rubber. And now—I'm tired.

In other exciting news, I will playing this Saturday afternoon, the 10th, at Retails Thrift Store from 1—3 p.m. Come out for free music and refreshments, shop for Halloween costumes, and proceeds go to our four-legged friends.

I'll also be playing Saturday night (the 10th), from 7 — 9 p.m. at The Rusty Grape Vineyards. Enjoy a full menu of music, beers, wines, and oven-fired entrees and pizza.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Brocolli Rabe

BRUSH PRAIRIE, WA—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed. “It’s called broccoli rabe,” said Tyson, who quickly clarified to her family that it was not broccoli, but just sort of like it. “Carol from book club told me about it and sent me a recipe. She said you can even put it in pasta. I think I want to cook it next week.” An upbeat Tyson went on to tell her unresponsive family that, while she hadn’t tried it yet, she thinks they will all like it. (Story reprinted without permission from The Onion.)
In other exciting local news, I will playing at Heisen House Vineyards this Friday night (the 26th), from 6 — 9 p.m. Pair the music with wine or hard cider by Heisen House, and mix and match style small plates by Simply Thyme Catering for a savory and carefree summer evening.
Then, I'll be playing this Saturday night (the 27th), from 7 — 9 p.m. at The Rusty Grape Vineyards. Enjoy a full menu of music, beers, wines, and oven-fired entrees and pizza.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Trump Is Promoting Me!

Donald Trump has been doing such a good job of PR lately, I thought I'd ask him to write the promo for my gig this Saturday at the Rusty Grape. Donald and I are long-time friends, and he was glad to help. Here's what he wrote for me:

"Lots of people are saying that John Baker in Battle Ground is the person behind the terrible bumpy surface on Parkway Avenue in Battle Ground. It’s just horrible what he’s done there. Really horrible. He’s a horrible person. I call him Jerk-Face Johnny. And I’m not being sarcastic or negative. Maybe a little. But he’s completely responsible for a lot of the awful problems we’ve been having, both here and everywhere. That I can tell you."

"I also heard that Jerk-Face will be playing at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night, from 7—9 PM. By the time he starts playing it will be too late to stop him. Maybe some of you people can. I don’t know. I won't be there because I'll be busy building great structures. I've had tremendous success. Unlike some people I know."

Thursday, July 28, 2016

"The Reflector" Letters to the Editor

I just read that our local paper, The Reflector, has increased the limit to 500 words per Letter to the Editor, to "allow writers to fully explain their positions on the issues facing readers."
This is good news for all of us! The Reflector's reporter was just fired for plagiarizing from The Columbian (another leading news source), so there's no one but us citizens to provide factual articles. Plus, the Letters to the Editor is the best content in the paper. Where else can you learn about Biblical quotes supporting firearm ownership, or reasons why David Madore should have been Trump's running mate?

Speaking of news, I'll be playing music under the stars at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night (the 30th) from 7—9 PM. Come on out for some tunes, wine, and wood-fired treats.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Pokemon Go

You've probably heard about the mobile app Pokemon Go. When we were out on the town last night (which takes 5 minutes in Battle Ground), we saw herds of teens stumbling around, staring into their iPhones. While its nice that Pokemon Go is getting kids outdoors, its sort of sad that their very first outdoor experience is through a 5" screen. (I admit that I tried the app after I got home, and captured a Bulbasaur near our neighbor's septic tank.)

If you come to see me play music at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night (the 16th) from 7—9 PM, please don't watch me through your cell phone. I'm paranoid that people are trying to steal my Bulbasaur, and I worked so hard to get it.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Brexit & 4th of July

We Battle Grounders love explosions and fire, so the 4th of July is a big deal. Even churches and youth groups have fireworks stands. Plus, last week we voted to exit Clark County, so we're now an independent nation! That means we can use military grade explosives and artillery with no background checks.

To celebrate all of this, I'll give a free concert this evening (Saturday the 2nd) at the Rusty Grape, from 7—9 PM. Bring some cherry bombs and wear you favorite flag shirt.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Stairway to Heaven Lawsuit

One of my fave bands when I was in college was Spirit, so I was really familiar with all their music. I liked Led Zeppelin, too—and when I first heard "Stairway to Heaven" I cried out "hey, that sounds just like "Taurus" off of Spirit's first album! But not many people were into Spirit like they were Zeppelin, so no one cared. And really, all of Zeppelin's tunes sounded like someone else's tunes, except with better singing and guitar playing.

Now, over 45 years later, Spirit is suing Led Zeppelin for ripping off their song. I'm kind of sad about that. Its sort of like your favorite heroes or friends suing each other. Why can't all those old hippies just get along?

To protest old hippy bands suing each other, I'll play a free concert this Saturday night (June 18) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape. I plan on playing a Zeppelin and Spirit song, and taking credit for writing them, just to see what happens.