Buying Tires

I bought some tires today. It used to be easy—go to Sears and they'd slap on some $50 Firestones. Today, buying tires is more complicated than buying toothpaste. There's a ghastly array of categories; brands; traction ratings; tread wear; noise ratings; mounting fees; balance fees; environmental fees; disposal fees; alignment fees; valve stem fees—and, finally, road hazard insurance to cover all of your fees. One tire salesmen told me if I wanted tires that wouldn't result in a horrible accident, I should take out a second mortgage.

In case you were wondering, I settled on the General Altimax RT43's, with Twin Cushion Silica Tread Compound, continuous center ribs, independent tread blocks with sound wave suppression technology, circumferential grooves, and Low Surface Abrasion Technology with spirally-wrapped polyamides. How do I like them? They're black, and smell like rubber. And now—I'm tired.

In other exciting news, I will playing this Saturday afternoon, the 10th, at Retails Thrift Store from 1—3 p.m. Come out for free music and refreshments, shop for Halloween costumes, and proceeds go to our four-legged friends.

I'll also be playing Saturday night (the 10th), from 7 — 9 p.m. at The Rusty Grape Vineyards. Enjoy a full menu of music, beers, wines, and oven-fired entrees and pizza.

Brocolli Rabe

BRUSH PRAIRIE, WA—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed. “It’s called broccoli rabe,” said Tyson, who quickly clarified to her family that it was not broccoli, but just sort of like it. “Carol from book club told me about it and sent me a recipe. She said you can even put it in pasta. I think I want to cook it next week.” An upbeat Tyson went on to tell her unresponsive family that, while she hadn’t tried it yet, she thinks they will all like it. (Story reprinted without permission from The Onion.)

In other exciting local news, I will playing at Heisen House Vineyards this Friday night (the 26th), from 6 — 9 p.m. Pair the music with wine or hard cider by Heisen House, and mix and match style small plates by Simply Thyme Catering for a savory and carefree summer evening.

Then, I'll be playing this Saturday night (the 27th), from 7 — 9 p.m. at The Rusty Grape Vineyards. Enjoy a full menu of music, beers, wines, and oven-fired entrees and pizza.

Trump Is Promoting Me!

Donald Trump has been doing such a good job of PR lately, I thought I'd ask him to write the promo for my gig this Saturday at the Rusty Grape. Donald and I are long-time friends, and he was glad to help. Here's what he wrote for me:


"Lots of people are saying that John Baker in Battle Ground is the person behind the terrible bumpy surface on Parkway Avenue in Battle Ground. It’s just horrible what he’s done there. Really horrible. He’s a horrible person. I call him Jerk-Face Johnny. And I’m not being sarcastic or negative. Maybe a little. But he’s completely responsible for a lot of the awful problems we’ve been having, both here and everywhere. That I can tell you."


"I also heard that Jerk-Face will be playing at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night, from 7—9 PM. By the time he starts playing it will be too late to stop him. Maybe some of you people can. I don’t know. I won't be there because I'll be busy building great structures. I've had tremendous success. Unlike some people I know."

"The Reflector" Letters to the Editor

I just read that our local paper, The Reflector, has increased the limit to 500 words per Letter to the Editor, to "allow writers to fully explain their positions on the issues facing readers."

This is good news for all of us! The Reflector's reporter was just fired for plagiarizing from The Columbian (another leading news source), so there's no one but us citizens to provide factual articles. Plus, the Letters to the Editor is the best content in the paper. Where else can you learn about Biblical quotes supporting firearm ownership, or reasons why David Madore should have been Trump's running mate?

Speaking of news, I'll be playing music under the stars at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night (the 30th) from 7—9 PM. Come on out for some tunes, wine, and wood-fired treats.

Pokemon Go

You've probably heard about the mobile app Pokemon Go. When we were out on the town last night (which takes 5 minutes in Battle Ground), we saw herds of teens stumbling around, staring into their iPhones. While its nice that Pokemon Go is getting kids outdoors, its sort of sad that their very first outdoor experience is through a 5" screen. (I admit that I tried the app after I got home, and captured a Bulbasaur near our neighbor's septic tank.)

If you come to see me play music at the Rusty Grape this Saturday night (the 16th) from 7—9 PM, please don't watch me through your cell phone. I'm paranoid that people are trying to steal my Bulbasaur, and I worked so hard to get it.

Brexit & 4th of July

We Battle Grounders love explosions and fire, so the 4th of July is a big deal. Even churches and youth groups have fireworks stands. Plus, last week we voted to exit Clark County, so we're now an independent nation! That means we can use military grade explosives and artillery with no background checks.

To celebrate all of this, I'll give a free concert this evening (Saturday the 2nd) at the Rusty Grape, from 7—9 PM. Bring some cherry bombs and wear you favorite flag shirt.

Stairway to Heaven Lawsuit

One of my fave bands when I was in college was Spirit, so I was really familiar with all their music. I liked Led Zeppelin, too—and when I first heard "Stairway to Heaven" I cried out "hey, that sounds just like "Taurus" off of Spirit's first album! But not many people were into Spirit like they were Zeppelin, so no one cared. And really, all of Zeppelin's tunes sounded like someone else's tunes, except with better singing and guitar playing.

Now, over 45 years later, Spirit is suing Led Zeppelin for ripping off their song. I'm kind of sad about that. Its sort of like your favorite heroes or friends suing each other. Why can't all those old hippies just get along?

To protest old hippy bands suing each other, I'll play a free concert this Saturday night (June 18) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape. I plan on playing a Zeppelin and Spirit song, and taking credit for writing them, just to see what happens.

Country Concert

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me!

Well, now its Saturday, and the weather dude says its gonna hit 101º in the shade. That's danged hot for June, right? One good thing is that it stays cooler out in the country, away from all the pavement and machinery. And when the sun goes down, it should drop to 80º pretty quickly. I hope.

I'm heading to the country to play at the Rusty Grape tonight (Saturday the 4th) from 7:00—9:00 P.M. Consider coming out for the good company, food and music as an alternative to bing watching Game of Thrones with an iced tea and microwave popcorn.

Jagger-Trump Screaming Concert

I read in the news that Trump has been playing the Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want" at rallies. So yesterday, the Stones asked him to stop using their songs. Trump replied "Hey—I pay for the rights, so I'm not gonna stop. And you can't make me. Nyah! Nyah!" Wow! I think some big-time promoter should see dollar signs. How about a Trump vs. Jagger "Shouting Match Smack-Down". Winner-take-all, plus some extra delegates. What would you pay for a ticket? I personally would pay up to $12 for Orchestra seats, if they had decent hot dogs. Or maybe $7 General Admission. It will take awhile to get this organized, plus I bet it will cost more than $12.  So, in the meantime, I'll be playing this Saturday night (May 7th) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape. For free! And I'll even play some Rolling Stones songs and not pay any rights for them, and neither Trump or Jagger can stop me. Ha ha ha!!

Amy Winehouse Chicken Wrap

I just read that a woman in Liverpool, England swears that she spotted the image of Amy Winehouse in a KFC chicken wrap. That sort of bothered me a little bit.

Not so much the part about Amy Winehouse, but the fact that someone would tell everyone that they ate at KFC. Plus, I know people that take pictures of their restaurant food, but this woman took a picture of her freakin' chicken wrap! 

I've included it here, so you can see if you think you see Amy Winehouse. Oh—the article also says that the woman went ahead and ate all of her chicken wrap. After studying the picture, that's the part that bothers me the most.

It doesn't really matter whether you like Amy Winehouse or not, or KFC either. I just wanted to share the news with you. That, and the fact that I'll be playing this Saturday night (April 23rd) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape.

Battle Ground Naming

What’s up with Battle Ground’s name? You would think some heavy action went down there, right? Maybe a big Civil War battle or something. But Wikipedia says that “the city is ironically named for the absence of a battle.” The story is convoluted, but basically the local, friendly Klickitat Tribe was being pushed around by an army from Fort Vancouver. The Klickitat’s were peaceful and surrendered. Anyway, there was nothing even close to a battle, so the name is sort of stupid. When people visit and ask "how did Battle Ground get its name?" I usually make up a big story because the truth is such a let down. I was thinking we should change the name to reflect what actually happened. Like maybe Bullyville. Or Bigotberg. Perhaps White Ground? If you think of something good, let me know and I’ll submit your idea to the Mayor. Regardless of the town name, Battle Ground has some good things going for it, if you squint. One good thing is that I'm playing music this Saturday night (April 9th) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape. Come on in and we'll trade some war stories.

Easter Traditions

Some of our Easter traditions are a bit on the weird side. Like a giant rabbit with a basket that hides colored eggs and candy for the children. But we’re not the only ones with weird goings-ons In Poland and the Ukraine, they celebrate an Easter tradition called Śmigus-Dyngus (Wet Monday). Folks sneak around and throw buckets of water on each other. They used to also whip each other with pussy-willow branches, but I think even they started thinking that was too twisted, so now they usually just throw water. In the French town of Saint-Aygulf the whole town shows up to make a giant Easter omelette. They use nearly 14,000 eggs and the finished product feeds the whole town. I see in the photos they just make a plain omelette. So if you get hungry and decide to go, you might want to bring some mushrooms and onions or something to add to yours. However you do Easter, I hope we agree that getting together with friends, food, drink and music is a fun way to celebrate anything. So that’s what I’m doing this Saturday night (March 26) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape. I hope I see you there. Hippity-Hop.

Spring Forward

Lots of stuff happening, so lets get together, eat, drink, and be merry! Its my birthday week, for one. And on Sunday we "Spring Forward," so Spring is here, right? And St. Patricks day is arriving. So are the Ides of March—et tu, Brute? Plenty to celebrate. That's why Mr. Monkey is bangin' on his Baldwin.

Join the multifaceted party this Saturday night (March 12) from 7—9 PM at the Rusty Grape.